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My Story (My First Blog!)
Posted by
Emily
,
10 November 2011
·
45 views
Well, this is truly my first serious blog. I've tried to start a blog before, but I realized I don't have anything interesting to talk about or that I want to share with the world and gave up. It just so happens that I've found the right place for what's now the single most important thing to me in the world. Myself.
I suppose I should tell you guys a bit about me, then. I'm currently (reluctantly) living my life as a 22 year old guy. I've decided that I'm finally going to start transitioning.
It all began a long time ago. As far as I can remember, by 3rd grade, I was already wondering what it'd be like to be a girl, and by 5th grade I was already thinking about wanting to become a girl. It began when I cross-dressed for the first time in boy scouts. We were all very young, around 10 years old (grade 4) at the time, and we were supposed to disguise ourselves as whatever we wanted and play that role. I went straight for a pretty dress and a wig, and loved it. I was a smart kid, and I knew I was probably just curious and finding myself when I was little, so I disregarded it as anything serious.
From that day forth, I enjoyed wearing girls' clothes in secret. In grade 6 I was hiding nylons under my uniform, and by secondary 2 I had already collected a couple hide-able articles of clothing. All through high school I figured I was just a walking bag of hormones, thanks to puberty, and that was making me feel that way. So, through all five years of high school I hid the occasional cross-dressing at home when nobody was around and never told anyone my secret.
Once high school was over, I had a stable job. I started thinking a little more seriously about becoming a girl, since I knew puberty was pretty much over and what I was feeling was more "true". I was afraid, though, of coming out to the people around me, and transitioning whilst working in customer service. For nearly six years, that is, from graduating at 17 to now, where I'm almost 23, I kept my silence. I was with my last girlfriend for about two and a half years, and she was so against the idea of me cross-playing that I never dared tell her my secret. We broke up near the beginning of this year, which allowed me to cross-dress pretty much all the time, since I was home alone a lot.
I'm currently studying Japanese, and my plan since around November of last year was that I would get out of here and go live in Japan for a couple years. I've never wanted to do something as much as I've wanted to do that before, and I've been following Japanese classes since January, saving some money, and making all my plans to take off by April of 2012.
My mother passed away in May. It was a huge shock to myself and everyone around me, but it was also a wake-up call for me. I know that my mother passed away with regrets, and that got me thinking: do I have anything I would regret if I died tomorrow?
It turns out I did. My identity is my biggest regret, and the life I've been living as what feels like a never-ending lie. I began seriously thinking about myself, and who I wish I was. This led me to choose a very feminine costume for the upcoming anime convention in August. I dressed up as Ciel Phantomhive in the big pink and white ball gown, got the perfect wig, and had one of my girl-friends do my make-up. I wanted to try as hard to be passable as I could, so I could sort of feel what it's like to have people see me as a female. As it turns out, apparently all my practice with keeping good posture and moving more ladylike (I've done dance, so this came pretty easily) paid off, because combined with the make-up, a lot of people thought I was a girl... until I spoke. Everything went according to plan.
Now, my friends think I did that just because it would be a great kick, and because they know I love the character. Really, as I mentioned, it was a test. I discovered that I loved the feeling of being seen as a woman in public.
There's also something else I started doing back in May when I started thinking about all this. I've always loved going out late at night and wandering around. This part of the city is very quiet, and I'm a five minute walk away from the river, where I can go and zone out for hours at a time when I have things on my mind. What I began doing, was using the darkness of night (although the street lights are damned bright now) to my advantage. I would cross-dress and take my walks. It was an absolutely terrifying experience the first time I did it - since I only did my costume in August, that was my first somewhat real cross-dressing-in-public experience - but I loved it. As I passed some people on the street, I got strange looks, but those looks said "what's a girly like her doing out at this hour of the night?" and not "is that...?". I got home with my heart racing, but out of excitement and joy.
I've kept this habit up for a while, until recently. About two months ago, a guy I met in my Japanese class moved in. Our plan was to move to Japan together so we wouldn't be alone once we got there. I do still go out for my late-night cross-dressing strolls when he's staying at someone else's house and the weather permits, and I'm almost always cross-dressed when he's gone to work.
That's my history, my lie of a life so far. In my next post, I'll talk about my epiphany and what I've done about it.
I suppose I should tell you guys a bit about me, then. I'm currently (reluctantly) living my life as a 22 year old guy. I've decided that I'm finally going to start transitioning.
It all began a long time ago. As far as I can remember, by 3rd grade, I was already wondering what it'd be like to be a girl, and by 5th grade I was already thinking about wanting to become a girl. It began when I cross-dressed for the first time in boy scouts. We were all very young, around 10 years old (grade 4) at the time, and we were supposed to disguise ourselves as whatever we wanted and play that role. I went straight for a pretty dress and a wig, and loved it. I was a smart kid, and I knew I was probably just curious and finding myself when I was little, so I disregarded it as anything serious.
From that day forth, I enjoyed wearing girls' clothes in secret. In grade 6 I was hiding nylons under my uniform, and by secondary 2 I had already collected a couple hide-able articles of clothing. All through high school I figured I was just a walking bag of hormones, thanks to puberty, and that was making me feel that way. So, through all five years of high school I hid the occasional cross-dressing at home when nobody was around and never told anyone my secret.
Once high school was over, I had a stable job. I started thinking a little more seriously about becoming a girl, since I knew puberty was pretty much over and what I was feeling was more "true". I was afraid, though, of coming out to the people around me, and transitioning whilst working in customer service. For nearly six years, that is, from graduating at 17 to now, where I'm almost 23, I kept my silence. I was with my last girlfriend for about two and a half years, and she was so against the idea of me cross-playing that I never dared tell her my secret. We broke up near the beginning of this year, which allowed me to cross-dress pretty much all the time, since I was home alone a lot.
I'm currently studying Japanese, and my plan since around November of last year was that I would get out of here and go live in Japan for a couple years. I've never wanted to do something as much as I've wanted to do that before, and I've been following Japanese classes since January, saving some money, and making all my plans to take off by April of 2012.
My mother passed away in May. It was a huge shock to myself and everyone around me, but it was also a wake-up call for me. I know that my mother passed away with regrets, and that got me thinking: do I have anything I would regret if I died tomorrow?
It turns out I did. My identity is my biggest regret, and the life I've been living as what feels like a never-ending lie. I began seriously thinking about myself, and who I wish I was. This led me to choose a very feminine costume for the upcoming anime convention in August. I dressed up as Ciel Phantomhive in the big pink and white ball gown, got the perfect wig, and had one of my girl-friends do my make-up. I wanted to try as hard to be passable as I could, so I could sort of feel what it's like to have people see me as a female. As it turns out, apparently all my practice with keeping good posture and moving more ladylike (I've done dance, so this came pretty easily) paid off, because combined with the make-up, a lot of people thought I was a girl... until I spoke. Everything went according to plan.
Now, my friends think I did that just because it would be a great kick, and because they know I love the character. Really, as I mentioned, it was a test. I discovered that I loved the feeling of being seen as a woman in public.
There's also something else I started doing back in May when I started thinking about all this. I've always loved going out late at night and wandering around. This part of the city is very quiet, and I'm a five minute walk away from the river, where I can go and zone out for hours at a time when I have things on my mind. What I began doing, was using the darkness of night (although the street lights are damned bright now) to my advantage. I would cross-dress and take my walks. It was an absolutely terrifying experience the first time I did it - since I only did my costume in August, that was my first somewhat real cross-dressing-in-public experience - but I loved it. As I passed some people on the street, I got strange looks, but those looks said "what's a girly like her doing out at this hour of the night?" and not "is that...?". I got home with my heart racing, but out of excitement and joy.
I've kept this habit up for a while, until recently. About two months ago, a guy I met in my Japanese class moved in. Our plan was to move to Japan together so we wouldn't be alone once we got there. I do still go out for my late-night cross-dressing strolls when he's staying at someone else's house and the weather permits, and I'm almost always cross-dressed when he's gone to work.
That's my history, my lie of a life so far. In my next post, I'll talk about my epiphany and what I've done about it.
