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My Epiphany and Recent Search for Help
Posted by
Emily
,
10 November 2011
·
60 views
Now that I've poured myself out in my first post, I'm going to talk about the stuff I'm really proud about!
I've been considering undergoing gender reassignment for years, but have always been too afraid to jump into it. Recently, I started seriously thinking about it, and to shorten the story, decided that I am going through with it regardless of my fears and the people around me. As selfish as it sounds, I realized I have to live for me, not for them.
I began looking for online resources and help groups, anyone I could find that could help me. I fell upon two places: here, and a forum (that was more populated than I expected) dedicated to trans-genders in my province. On these boards, I met Jenny, who has been a great support to me, and I love her for it. On the other boards, I searched for more local help, as in where can I go and how do I start putting things in motion.
Within a day, I had already communicated a few times with some members of that board, and had been recommended three different psychologists. The most-often recommended one was the only woman of the three, and I find myself able to speak to women better than men. She's apparently amazing, from the stories everyone had to tell me, and even in searching her name on Google I found other places where people were doing naught but complimenting her.
On Tuesday, I embarked on an adventure to her office. The adventure wasn't that far, but downtown traffic sure as hell made it feel so. Anyway, I arrive at her office, and ask the receptionist about making an appointment. "Oh, I'm sorry, she no longer works here," she said, "she's moved to her own office a few blocks down. I can give you her phone number if you'd like; since she only accepts appointments by telephone". Of course, I gladly took her phone number, got to a big quiet park away from the downtown yells and sirens, and left a message on her voicemail.
Yesterday, while playing Borderlands with my room-mate, she calls me. I can tell already from her voice that I'm going to like this lady, but I try to hide that. I inform her that I'm looking to book an appointment, and she asks me what for. I awkwardly reply "Well, I'm sort of in mixed company at the moment..." and she replies "Okay, I'll list some things, you tell me when it's the right one!". I obliged, and she said an extremely long word (our conversation has been in French up until now) and I just say "uuuuuuhhhh... I'm not quite sure what you just said, sorry, I'm not good with those crazy long French words". She laughed about it and asked me in heavily accented English, "Are you calling about a trans-sexuality issue?". I said I was, and then we continued to light-heartedly discuss how we fail in our respective non-mother-tongues for a minute or two. She tells me she's got time for me in exactly one month from now, explains how to find her, and we ended the call that way. In retrospect, once I had an appointment time and date, I sounded WAY too happy on the phone, and I could tell she noticed. Oh well :P
On Monday of this week, I came out to two of my online friends. Two girls that I've known for a while, one of which is a German girl I've been speaking to over MSN and TeamSpeak (a VoIP program like Skype) for over a year. She's an important person to me, and I thought it would be easier to come out to someone that far away from me. This girl has a thing for me, and I can't deny that I do for her either, so it was a little scary telling her, as I didn't know how she'd react. She's wanted to come to Canada to visit me for a long time now, and I was scared that she wouldn't any more.
So I told her. And she accepted it without hesitation. I released the biggest sigh of relief in my life, and continued to talk to her about everything. She said she still has the same feelings for me, regardless of whether I'm a girl or guy, since I've always been me inside. I was nearly moved to tears when she told me this. This amazing feeling led me to tell my other online friend, which only emphasized the feeling more and made me even more certain of myself.
Tuesday night I took a huge step. I told my sister about everything over MSN. It was too late for her to come out, since she had school in the morning, but we ended up talking for nigh on two hours before she practically passed out. I invited her over the next day. She came over Wednesday like planned, we hung out, had food, and she asked me questions here and there. I've informed myself so much about all this that I could answer them all :)
*Some quick back-story*
When my ex left, she left behind a TON of clothes. My sister has been picking through some of them to take what she likes. I had 4 garbage bags full in my basement that she had yet to go through
*End back-story*
After we'd eaten, we went and got the clothes from the basement for her to sift through while I changed into my Ciel dress to show her it, since she'd been bugging me to do so for a while. She loved the costume, thought I looked great in it, and couldn't help but giggle endlessly for like 5 minutes. That's okay, though, she wasn't laughing at me, but more with me. I was giggling like an idiot too >.<
While I was getting changed back out of the dress, she knocked on my door and held up two jean skirts that she wanted me to try on. I tried them on, and they actually looked great on me. The fact that I was still wearing my pink stockings and 3-inch Maryjanes definitely helped give me the shape I needed to look good in them. One of them was far too short for me to wear in public, but the other was a pencil skirt that came down to just over my knees (man those things are tight) and she thought I looked great in it. She even said "Wow! You have a butt!" to which I did nothing but smile so obviously and so stupidly that we couldn't help but laugh when she saw my face.
She proceeded to go through the bags of clothes while I got changed. I put on my favourite outfit, an adorable purple tiered ruffly shiffon skirt, a black halter top with a kind of knot-twist-thing going on in the back, some black pantyhose, and even a stuffed bra. She thought it looked amazing, and I remained in the outfit for the remainder of the time she was at my house. We listened to music and talked about girly things, with her throwing a question or two in every now and then. She would also quip every now and then something along the lines of "I can't believe you're so much girlier than me!". All three of the girls I've come out to so far have said I'm so girly it's surprised them. I love being girly, and will always continue to do so!
Overall, everything is on-track so far. I've never felt better about myself, and I know that with my appointment made, I'm now on the road to transforming my body into what my mind says it should be.
My next step is coming out to my best friend, and my room-mate. I'm sure my friend will be okay with it, but we'll be really awkward the first time he sees me identifying as Emily. I'm not sure about how my room-mate will take it, since he's, you know, living with me. I think he'll take it well, though.
I promise that my future blog entries will be smaller than this one!
This is the skirt I was wearing, if anyone's curious:
I've been considering undergoing gender reassignment for years, but have always been too afraid to jump into it. Recently, I started seriously thinking about it, and to shorten the story, decided that I am going through with it regardless of my fears and the people around me. As selfish as it sounds, I realized I have to live for me, not for them.
I began looking for online resources and help groups, anyone I could find that could help me. I fell upon two places: here, and a forum (that was more populated than I expected) dedicated to trans-genders in my province. On these boards, I met Jenny, who has been a great support to me, and I love her for it. On the other boards, I searched for more local help, as in where can I go and how do I start putting things in motion.
Within a day, I had already communicated a few times with some members of that board, and had been recommended three different psychologists. The most-often recommended one was the only woman of the three, and I find myself able to speak to women better than men. She's apparently amazing, from the stories everyone had to tell me, and even in searching her name on Google I found other places where people were doing naught but complimenting her.
On Tuesday, I embarked on an adventure to her office. The adventure wasn't that far, but downtown traffic sure as hell made it feel so. Anyway, I arrive at her office, and ask the receptionist about making an appointment. "Oh, I'm sorry, she no longer works here," she said, "she's moved to her own office a few blocks down. I can give you her phone number if you'd like; since she only accepts appointments by telephone". Of course, I gladly took her phone number, got to a big quiet park away from the downtown yells and sirens, and left a message on her voicemail.
Yesterday, while playing Borderlands with my room-mate, she calls me. I can tell already from her voice that I'm going to like this lady, but I try to hide that. I inform her that I'm looking to book an appointment, and she asks me what for. I awkwardly reply "Well, I'm sort of in mixed company at the moment..." and she replies "Okay, I'll list some things, you tell me when it's the right one!". I obliged, and she said an extremely long word (our conversation has been in French up until now) and I just say "uuuuuuhhhh... I'm not quite sure what you just said, sorry, I'm not good with those crazy long French words". She laughed about it and asked me in heavily accented English, "Are you calling about a trans-sexuality issue?". I said I was, and then we continued to light-heartedly discuss how we fail in our respective non-mother-tongues for a minute or two. She tells me she's got time for me in exactly one month from now, explains how to find her, and we ended the call that way. In retrospect, once I had an appointment time and date, I sounded WAY too happy on the phone, and I could tell she noticed. Oh well :P
On Monday of this week, I came out to two of my online friends. Two girls that I've known for a while, one of which is a German girl I've been speaking to over MSN and TeamSpeak (a VoIP program like Skype) for over a year. She's an important person to me, and I thought it would be easier to come out to someone that far away from me. This girl has a thing for me, and I can't deny that I do for her either, so it was a little scary telling her, as I didn't know how she'd react. She's wanted to come to Canada to visit me for a long time now, and I was scared that she wouldn't any more.
So I told her. And she accepted it without hesitation. I released the biggest sigh of relief in my life, and continued to talk to her about everything. She said she still has the same feelings for me, regardless of whether I'm a girl or guy, since I've always been me inside. I was nearly moved to tears when she told me this. This amazing feeling led me to tell my other online friend, which only emphasized the feeling more and made me even more certain of myself.
Tuesday night I took a huge step. I told my sister about everything over MSN. It was too late for her to come out, since she had school in the morning, but we ended up talking for nigh on two hours before she practically passed out. I invited her over the next day. She came over Wednesday like planned, we hung out, had food, and she asked me questions here and there. I've informed myself so much about all this that I could answer them all :)
*Some quick back-story*
When my ex left, she left behind a TON of clothes. My sister has been picking through some of them to take what she likes. I had 4 garbage bags full in my basement that she had yet to go through
*End back-story*
After we'd eaten, we went and got the clothes from the basement for her to sift through while I changed into my Ciel dress to show her it, since she'd been bugging me to do so for a while. She loved the costume, thought I looked great in it, and couldn't help but giggle endlessly for like 5 minutes. That's okay, though, she wasn't laughing at me, but more with me. I was giggling like an idiot too >.<
While I was getting changed back out of the dress, she knocked on my door and held up two jean skirts that she wanted me to try on. I tried them on, and they actually looked great on me. The fact that I was still wearing my pink stockings and 3-inch Maryjanes definitely helped give me the shape I needed to look good in them. One of them was far too short for me to wear in public, but the other was a pencil skirt that came down to just over my knees (man those things are tight) and she thought I looked great in it. She even said "Wow! You have a butt!" to which I did nothing but smile so obviously and so stupidly that we couldn't help but laugh when she saw my face.
She proceeded to go through the bags of clothes while I got changed. I put on my favourite outfit, an adorable purple tiered ruffly shiffon skirt, a black halter top with a kind of knot-twist-thing going on in the back, some black pantyhose, and even a stuffed bra. She thought it looked amazing, and I remained in the outfit for the remainder of the time she was at my house. We listened to music and talked about girly things, with her throwing a question or two in every now and then. She would also quip every now and then something along the lines of "I can't believe you're so much girlier than me!". All three of the girls I've come out to so far have said I'm so girly it's surprised them. I love being girly, and will always continue to do so!
Overall, everything is on-track so far. I've never felt better about myself, and I know that with my appointment made, I'm now on the road to transforming my body into what my mind says it should be.
My next step is coming out to my best friend, and my room-mate. I'm sure my friend will be okay with it, but we'll be really awkward the first time he sees me identifying as Emily. I'm not sure about how my room-mate will take it, since he's, you know, living with me. I think he'll take it well, though.
I promise that my future blog entries will be smaller than this one!
This is the skirt I was wearing, if anyone's curious:
