7 replies to this topic

[MatsumotoDreamer]

Hi all,

I'm a 22 year old male and I am starting to discover/come to accept another side to myself. I've never been an alpha male or anything to that effect, but I've always (until recently) still thought of myself as a normal man. Then one night I lost a bet with my girlfriend. Because I lost I had to crossdress all night. We didn't go out or anything; we just stayed in and watched movies and played games. What was weird is that I really liked the feel of the clothes and absolutely loved how I felt in them. From that day my whole perception of myself has shifted and I started seeing things about myself that I had never really put together before.

I realized that, not only am I not an alpha male, but that I move back and forth between really feminine and really masculine depending on the day and the mood that I'm in that day. I started doing some research and I came to the tentative conclusion that I might be Bigendered.
All of this scares the hell out of me. All of this has happened so suddenly that I'm really not sure what to do. I want to be able to crossdress again and I would really love to be able to pass and be beautiful, but I’m afraid to that I will be ugly as a woman and even worse I'm afraid of the people I care about just won't understand.

Long story short I am a guy who has over, the course of a few months, gone from a relatively normal 21 year old guy to a Bicurious, potentially Bigendered, crossdressing 22 year old who I scared as hell to be found out.

I guess I am posting in the hopes of not feeling so weird and/or alone in this.

[Caravelle]

Welcome to Crossplay, Matsumoto Dreamer. If you find that after you have done research and collected information on transgender and bigender topics, that you are still confused and puzzled about yourself, you might want to consider gender therapy from a Licensed Gender Therapist, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Be sure that whoever you visit has experience in gender studies and gender therapy, and that you feel comfortable talking to them. Here is some information to get you started---

http://en.wikipedia....wiki/Bigendered

http://en.wikipedia....ki/Gender_Fluid

I wish you well.

[MatsumotoDreamer]

I have been considering talking to a therapist about these things that I’m thinking, but I'm feel like I couldn't even form the right words to explain how I feel. I have a friend that I talk to about this, a friend who I’ve known for years but when we talk about this I cannot make the words come out. She understands and so when I say something like, "the thing" she knows that I’m taking about actually crossdressing. I’m afraid that if I cannot even talk to her, how am I supposed to speak to a therapist about this topic.

I mean, the only reason I can talk on here is because I have some anonymity. If we were speaking in person I’m not sure if I could even form the correct words.

B.T.W Thank you for welcoming me and for being part of this awesome forum.

[MiyukiLight]

Curious, Matsumotodreamer. You have almost the same experience I had about my begginig with crossdressing stuff, and actually we are at the same point: We don't know what to do but we want to do crossdressing more often. We have both a good friend with we can talk about crossdressing (although, I can refer to the subject more directly and we enjoy talking about that). And we are shy to talk about that to others.

The only thing can add: I planned with my friend to crossdressing and crossplaying but in her country, so I won't meet anyone I know. I know it's a temporal solution, but could help with the feeling I sometimes had that I really NEED to crossdress, and I don't want to feel that way. If I crossdress it will be because I want not because I need it.

[xXBlueFireMorganXx]

I am kind of like this too, I have been creating a collection of clothes to crossdress when I am alone in the house, but reaching out to go out in public is something I havent gotten to do and to feel comfortable while doing it. I think the first thing is to go to the magical place where no one judges the fact a man would like to look female, anime/cons. Its natural, although the stares are there,dont worry, there is support about. Also the whole therapist thing, I have been writing down history/thoughts/etc to help myself visualize what needs to be said. I still really want to see someone to help my mind start to become at ease. The longer you wait could be a bad thing mentally or could be positive to give you time to work it through. Having a friend you can talk to is great, but if your in a private place with her, dont be so shy about it, try to be more open. I would start looking for therapists in your area or maybe if you are afraid of the real face to face I have heard of therapist that do it over SKYPE.

[Caravelle]

MysticKaitlyn, on 27 August 2012 - 05:27 PM, said:

I am kind of like this too, I have been creating a collection of clothes to

dress when I am alone in the house, but reaching out to go out in public is something I havent gotten to do and to feel comfortable while doing it. I think the first thing is to go to the magical place where no one judges the fact a man would like to look female, anime/cons. Its natural, although the stares are there,dont worry, there is support about.

An excellent suggestion ! Many anime and manga conventions seem
to be " safe places " where transgender persons can begin dress as their correct gender. One does not even necessarily need to cross-cosplay. I have seen ones who have been perceived as a male all of their childhood and teen years dress as their correct gender, that of a female, at amime conventions by just wearing a generic sailor suit, or just wearing a pretty dress, or a nice blouse and skirt. Just don't dress provocative, or in a fetish or bondage style. Doing that is, as the saying goes, " A whole 'nother baseball game " , and not something a transgender person would want to do out in public, IMO. Another possibility to consider is the Japanese Street Fashion of Gothic / Lolita. Many peeps who have been perceived as a male find that they can wear the female Gothic / Lolita fashion at anime cons. So if you are a transgender person, and want to eventually go out in public dressed as your correct gender of female, consider going out in the " safe places " , like anime or si-fi conventions first. Hopefully your confidence will be strengthened, too.

[MatsumotoDreamer]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I originally wrote this post to reach out and try and feel that I was not alone in either my fears or my desires. I am finding that my cossplaying friends seem to be rather receptive and accepting. Though at this point I am taking baby steps with them, telling them about my "potentially" delving into crossplay, they are responding well with support and tips from their other friends. I hope that one day, when I finally figure myself out, the people I love and care about will be able to accept all of me, both the male and female me.

I want to say again that I am thankful for this forum, because being able to give this side of myself a voice has lifted a lot of anxiety from my shoulders. I feel more comfortable with myself every day and I cannot help but feel that this forum and the amazing people on it are a part of my healing.

Thank You.

[Caravelle]

MatsumotoDreamer, on 01 September 2012 - 10:58 PM, said:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I originally wrote this post to reach out and try and feel that I was not alone in either my fears or my desires.

I want to say again that I am thankful for this forum, because being able to give this side of myself a voice has lifted a lot of anxiety from my shoulders. I feel more comfortable with myself every day and I cannot help but feel that this forum and the amazing people on it are a part of my healing.

I'm glad I could help to a degree. Since this thread is in the Transgender Section, I will say this ; If anyone wants to post in this section, start a thread, and talk about transgender issues or problems, feel free to do so and I will try and respond to the transgender issues as they come up and are in need of being discussed. I'm not a medical professional, nor a therapist, just a friend to talk to about these things, and who will listen to what you have to say. I have cosplayed and crossplayed off and on since the summer of 2000, and have even won a few times at anime convention cosplay contests. But I have never been really good at cosplay costuming, or been good enough to be in there with the elite and journeyman cosplayers. So I will leave most of the cosplay advice on this website to the more skilled and experienced cosplayers here. But as I said, I want to help everyone, but especially ones who what to talk about transgender issues, or want someone to listen while they tell all that is on their heart and mind. I hope that that is how I can help.