Posted 16 July 2007 - 11:11 PM
I want to ask for advice, but all the same, I feel that many of the other people on this thread have problems that outweigh my own. It seems as though many of the others here clearly know, or have a fairly good idea that they are trans. I, however, do not. At all.
I'm biologically female, and twenty years old. If you met me on the street, you'd probably think I was pretty and feminine - skirt-wearing and well endowed.
But something has been nagging at me for a few years now, and no matter how I try to fight it, it always creeps back up from the place I hide it deep down inside.
I had a phase in highschool in which I wore boys clothes. Not a big deal. But I acted like a boy, had commonly male interests, and competed with the males around me in various ways. I had crushes on them sometimes, but I also had some crushes on girls, so my sexuality confused me, as well.
I thought during my last year or so in highschool, and through my first semester of college that I was transgendered. I was totally convinced. I even deeply considered future hormone treatments and surgery.
But then I ended up falling for some jerk guy and changing my entire appearance to impress him. Needless to say, my efforts were wasted. But my mother was overjoyed to see her little girl looking like a girl again. So I stayed that way.
I thought that I was OK, that I simply had a phase and got over it, but I realize that's not entirely true. One reason I can tell, is because I have a need to crossplay, because it allows me to more fully express myself as who I feel I am. Or who I think I might be. Because I don't freaken know.
I don't like being intimate with men, or dating them, because they treat me like a girl. Wow. Surprise. Men treat me like a woman. And I don't like it.
I don't like the way my body is curvy and petite - I feel like I'm supposed to have hard, strong muscles and be tall enough to look other men in the eye. My sexuality hasn't been expressed before, because it just doesn't seem right with my being a girl, but I feel that maybe as a male, I would feel comfortable enough with my own body that I could express it, regardless of my orientation (which is also up for debate).
I don't want to disappoint my family, especially my mother. I think it would break their hearts if I told them that I was trans - which I can't even figure out! I wish it could go away, and leave me to be a happy, "normal" girl, or that I could magically transform into the man I wish I was, without any fallout.
I apologize for wasting your time for the abridged version of my life story.